Day 11

I'm so pround of myself, day 11. One of the roommates drinks every day and still offers me a glass of wine every day when I get home. She has great taste in wine, and yet I still resist. I have completed a few drawings and put them on my wall, not that I didn't draw while I was drinking, but I never got around to coloring or shading. I'd get bored about halfway through and give up. I'd put them up anyways, but it looks sloppy. I also attempted to learn how to juggle, but it was far too mindless to kill time with. I got good with two balls, but that's as much effort as I'm willing to get into. Over the last couple days I've embarked on a Doctor Who marathon. I'm about half a season in and a little bored with that as well. It's like I need to relearn how to live. When I'm wasted I can be entertained by basically anything, clarity kinda sucks.

Day 3

I am a little shaky still, but I managed to keep down a yogurt today. I kinda wanted to throw up all day at work, but I really can't miss any more days. I anticipate tomorrow being a little better still. Maybe, at least I'm hoping so, feeling will return to my toe. In order to pass time in the evenings I've taken up juggling. I'm still ridiculously terrible at it, but it is much safer than the drinking.I'm thinking next paycheck I will pick up another silly hobbie. Perhaps tie-dye or maybe screen printing. The latter sounds ridiculously expensive, though, so it may wait a while. Maybe I could start out slow with stencils and spray paint. Or maybe I could do something as equally unpreductive as the drinking and pick up some sort of gaming console. That's like a normal person thing, right?

Day 2

I tried to kill myself. No, I wasn't intentionally trying to die, but somehow I lost all self control. About 4 shots of tequila, 14 varied beers(mostly the stronger winters), and and entire bottle of wine. I don't know why. I just had to. I don't know if I can get better, they say addiction is forever. All I know is that right now I have a sinking feeling. All I can do is try. I can't promise any success, but for now I have today.

Day 1

We're supposed to be doing pina coladas tonight. I don't know if I really want to. As is, I want to throttle the roommate. She's a control-freak and I'm in a bit of a mood. Maybe it's the heat, but I can hardly take her sober. I don't really wanna think about dealing with her once I'm inebriated. I mean, yeah, the drinks sound amazing, but they aren't worth putting up with the nonsense.

Funny thing, I didn't mind her yesterday. We even went out to lunch. Maybe we're both in a mood.

Day 1

I went to AA again today. My friend talked me into it. I really don't feel like I belong there. I haven't hit rock bottom, I don't hang out with the kind of people that I could hit rock bottom with. I lead a good life. You know what else, I get myself in just as much trouble sober. I'm kind of a dick. I tell myself that I'm just assertive and have high self-esteem so I won't let people walk on me. This is true, but I don't have to be an asshole about it. It doesn't bother me though. I like who I am.

I was accosted twice after the meeting. The first time by a woman that told me that maybe I should go and get the partying out of my system. Wind up on a missing person's list or in jail. She said it was only because she cared. WTF? You care so you want me to end up where these other people were? The second time was about God. They asked me about the little voice in my head that tells me not to do bad things. I call it common morality. People that NEED God to be good people frighten me a bit. Like the only thing keeping them from a murderous rampage is some imaginary being. What happened to basic humanity? Fucking hell.

Day 1

Sure enough, I'm very aware that I shouldn't drink. I decided it was a good idea to talk to my ex. Talking led to flirting and then to confessing feelings that should be long gone by now. I don't know why I continuously do this to myself. I shouldn't even be friends with him. Anyways, while drinking, I made a fool of myself. I'm feeling a little embarrassed now and we'll see how starting over will do me.

Day 0

I forgot how much I enjoy drinking. I'm silly and self-confident. I can argue for hours and still have witty things to say. I enjoy other people. I'm not entirely sure why I quit drinking in the first place.

I'm sure I will realize soon enough.

Day 30

I'm doing all the right things, but still managing to get everything wrong. Today, I was to reflect on the things that frustrate me and let go of control. Just accept that I can't change everything. I do that anyways. If I try to make sense of every curve life throws my way it sends me into panic and I feel overwhelmed. So, letting go comes easy to me. It's still frustrating. I hate feeling helpless. I used to drink over it, it's easier not to care.

Day 30

Well, would you look at that. I've been sober for 30 days now. Part of me really wants to have a party. I mean, technically, that's all I agreed to do, but my brain's still broken. I have my doubts that it will ever be better. Anyways, I miss the company I was keeping more than the actual drinking itself. Is that weird? Now that I've been sober long enough to have detoxed, I can't think of a reason why I drank so much. I have high self-esteem, my life is ridiculously easy, I really don't have any complaints. Mind you, I still want to drink. I just can't come up with a rational reason to do so.

Day 26

 Growing up I was taught to be self-reliant. Even during conflict, always assume blame yourself. We were told to make "I" statements. "I feel this way and I think this is what needs to be done to fix it." I am a problem solver, and I feel like I should take care of my own qualms. Going to AA feels a little weird to me. I've never believed in support groups. I've always been passionately self-righteous; asking for help insults my ego. I am aware of this flaw, but to do anything about it would rewrite the entirety of who I am.

Day 22

There were birthday shenanigans going on at my house today. A BBQ and drinking that started at, like, noon. My friend didn't want me to feel too left out so she picked up a bunch of red bull for me. I hung out and participated in the drinking games. I ended up drinking seven energy drinks. Not the regular 8.4 oz cans either, I was doing the 24 oz ones. Like a champ. Needless to say, I've been overly twitchy all day. And random. And I kind of feel like I may explode. I'm not sure if I would've been better off downing beers with the rest of them. Yeah, I remember everything this way, but I still feel sickly and my volume is at a ten right now. Also, I'm freakishly moody. Today was a horrible idea.

Day 21

I don't really know how to cope with reality. I've been a shameless drunk for basically the entirety of my adult life. It's a little terrifying. It's hard to admit that I'm a little scared. I've always prided myself in being fearless, but lately I've been finding more things to be afraid of. I'm almost done with school, I may have to let go of all my old friends, and there was a worm in my carpet the other morning. There are other things to be sure, just none at the foremost part of my brain. I don't like all these feelings and part of me wants to crawl back into the bottom of a bottle and just stay there.

Day 20

Today, we discussed changing the way we think. The problem doesn't lie in my thought processes, but my actions and how I interpret my thoughts. People don't change. I know what I enjoy and that's not something I have any control over. I can control my attitude and behavior. My attitude has never been the problem. I suppose I'm not a typical alcoholic, though. No one is lording above me and forcing me to go sober. I'm not angry without it. This is an action of free will. I'm wonderful to be around when I'm sober. The problem is when I drink into excess. I understand that I can't control my drinking after I start, which I believe defines me as an alcoholic. The goal here is to change my behavior, not my thoughts. I will always think children are gross, I will always love blue eyes, and I will always want to drink. Is this going to make me tell my friends they have ugly children? No. Is this going to make me only date blue-eyed men? No. Does this mean I can't stop drinking? Absolutely not. My thoughts aren't the problem. It's how I act on them.

Day 19

I don't believe in god. I never have, I doubt I ever will. My AA group keeps bringing up spirituality and saying how necessary it is to let yourself go to a higher power. I'm having issues with it. People are inherently good. The very act of prayer acknowledges this fact. Whether it's asking for forgiveness or expressing a need for something, it's admitting that there's something you'd like to improve or feel guilt about. People pray of their own free will, expressing a moral code that spawned from original thought. No deity's presence required.

On a related note, a study was done in '06 showing results that people fair poorer when they know they are being prayed for.

Day 19

I'm fairly glad I moved. I feel like the friends here are healthier for me. See, back home my blackouts were almost glorified. I have a tattoo in commemoration of my first blackout. It's an "epic" story. I'm goddamn sick of telling it. Sure, I guess possible alcohol poisoning is fine if you get a laugh out of it. Then there's my DUI. I get mad props all the time because of how high I blew(.285) and for the fact that I was driving on a bike path. My life isn't a TV show, I really had to talk to cops while wasted, I really was drunk at my arraignment, and I really went to jail. Haha, yeah, but don't I look fabulous in my mugshot? I appreciate my new friends. They're a little stuck up for the most part, and yeah, their morals are skewed as fuck when it comes to personal shit, but they're the kind of people that recognize that I have a problem. They're the kind of people that will come up to me during a blackout and "double-dog dare" me to stay sober and then hold me to it the next day. They will also keep all kinds of alcohol in the house and mix cocktails every evening. Again, skewed morals. I feel like this wouldn't have been a thing back home. Actually, I know it wouldn't. I'd prolly get made fun of for going to my meetings.

Day 18

I'm genuinely attempting to go sober. It's hard. All my friends drink. They try to be supportive, but in the meantime there's always beer in the fridge. I think about getting wasted at least a couple times a day. It really sucks. It doesn't even have to be a bad day. On good days, booze makes them better. On bad days, well, booze makes them better, too. I know I'm an awful drunk. Anyways, to get real support, I've joined an AA group. I love going. The people sit around and bitch about their lives, but they also share their accomplishments. And they're funny. Who'd have ever thought that alcoholics would be funny?! I relate to them so well. I'm perpetually stuck on step one in the program, but that's okay. I will never be open to spirituality. As long as I'm staying sober, I don't really think it matters.