Day 1

I went to AA again today. My friend talked me into it. I really don't feel like I belong there. I haven't hit rock bottom, I don't hang out with the kind of people that I could hit rock bottom with. I lead a good life. You know what else, I get myself in just as much trouble sober. I'm kind of a dick. I tell myself that I'm just assertive and have high self-esteem so I won't let people walk on me. This is true, but I don't have to be an asshole about it. It doesn't bother me though. I like who I am.

I was accosted twice after the meeting. The first time by a woman that told me that maybe I should go and get the partying out of my system. Wind up on a missing person's list or in jail. She said it was only because she cared. WTF? You care so you want me to end up where these other people were? The second time was about God. They asked me about the little voice in my head that tells me not to do bad things. I call it common morality. People that NEED God to be good people frighten me a bit. Like the only thing keeping them from a murderous rampage is some imaginary being. What happened to basic humanity? Fucking hell.

Day 1

Sure enough, I'm very aware that I shouldn't drink. I decided it was a good idea to talk to my ex. Talking led to flirting and then to confessing feelings that should be long gone by now. I don't know why I continuously do this to myself. I shouldn't even be friends with him. Anyways, while drinking, I made a fool of myself. I'm feeling a little embarrassed now and we'll see how starting over will do me.

Day 0

I forgot how much I enjoy drinking. I'm silly and self-confident. I can argue for hours and still have witty things to say. I enjoy other people. I'm not entirely sure why I quit drinking in the first place.

I'm sure I will realize soon enough.

Day 30

I'm doing all the right things, but still managing to get everything wrong. Today, I was to reflect on the things that frustrate me and let go of control. Just accept that I can't change everything. I do that anyways. If I try to make sense of every curve life throws my way it sends me into panic and I feel overwhelmed. So, letting go comes easy to me. It's still frustrating. I hate feeling helpless. I used to drink over it, it's easier not to care.

Day 30

Well, would you look at that. I've been sober for 30 days now. Part of me really wants to have a party. I mean, technically, that's all I agreed to do, but my brain's still broken. I have my doubts that it will ever be better. Anyways, I miss the company I was keeping more than the actual drinking itself. Is that weird? Now that I've been sober long enough to have detoxed, I can't think of a reason why I drank so much. I have high self-esteem, my life is ridiculously easy, I really don't have any complaints. Mind you, I still want to drink. I just can't come up with a rational reason to do so.

Day 26

 Growing up I was taught to be self-reliant. Even during conflict, always assume blame yourself. We were told to make "I" statements. "I feel this way and I think this is what needs to be done to fix it." I am a problem solver, and I feel like I should take care of my own qualms. Going to AA feels a little weird to me. I've never believed in support groups. I've always been passionately self-righteous; asking for help insults my ego. I am aware of this flaw, but to do anything about it would rewrite the entirety of who I am.

Day 22

There were birthday shenanigans going on at my house today. A BBQ and drinking that started at, like, noon. My friend didn't want me to feel too left out so she picked up a bunch of red bull for me. I hung out and participated in the drinking games. I ended up drinking seven energy drinks. Not the regular 8.4 oz cans either, I was doing the 24 oz ones. Like a champ. Needless to say, I've been overly twitchy all day. And random. And I kind of feel like I may explode. I'm not sure if I would've been better off downing beers with the rest of them. Yeah, I remember everything this way, but I still feel sickly and my volume is at a ten right now. Also, I'm freakishly moody. Today was a horrible idea.

Day 21

I don't really know how to cope with reality. I've been a shameless drunk for basically the entirety of my adult life. It's a little terrifying. It's hard to admit that I'm a little scared. I've always prided myself in being fearless, but lately I've been finding more things to be afraid of. I'm almost done with school, I may have to let go of all my old friends, and there was a worm in my carpet the other morning. There are other things to be sure, just none at the foremost part of my brain. I don't like all these feelings and part of me wants to crawl back into the bottom of a bottle and just stay there.