Day 20

Today, we discussed changing the way we think. The problem doesn't lie in my thought processes, but my actions and how I interpret my thoughts. People don't change. I know what I enjoy and that's not something I have any control over. I can control my attitude and behavior. My attitude has never been the problem. I suppose I'm not a typical alcoholic, though. No one is lording above me and forcing me to go sober. I'm not angry without it. This is an action of free will. I'm wonderful to be around when I'm sober. The problem is when I drink into excess. I understand that I can't control my drinking after I start, which I believe defines me as an alcoholic. The goal here is to change my behavior, not my thoughts. I will always think children are gross, I will always love blue eyes, and I will always want to drink. Is this going to make me tell my friends they have ugly children? No. Is this going to make me only date blue-eyed men? No. Does this mean I can't stop drinking? Absolutely not. My thoughts aren't the problem. It's how I act on them.

Day 19

I don't believe in god. I never have, I doubt I ever will. My AA group keeps bringing up spirituality and saying how necessary it is to let yourself go to a higher power. I'm having issues with it. People are inherently good. The very act of prayer acknowledges this fact. Whether it's asking for forgiveness or expressing a need for something, it's admitting that there's something you'd like to improve or feel guilt about. People pray of their own free will, expressing a moral code that spawned from original thought. No deity's presence required.

On a related note, a study was done in '06 showing results that people fair poorer when they know they are being prayed for.

Day 19

I'm fairly glad I moved. I feel like the friends here are healthier for me. See, back home my blackouts were almost glorified. I have a tattoo in commemoration of my first blackout. It's an "epic" story. I'm goddamn sick of telling it. Sure, I guess possible alcohol poisoning is fine if you get a laugh out of it. Then there's my DUI. I get mad props all the time because of how high I blew(.285) and for the fact that I was driving on a bike path. My life isn't a TV show, I really had to talk to cops while wasted, I really was drunk at my arraignment, and I really went to jail. Haha, yeah, but don't I look fabulous in my mugshot? I appreciate my new friends. They're a little stuck up for the most part, and yeah, their morals are skewed as fuck when it comes to personal shit, but they're the kind of people that recognize that I have a problem. They're the kind of people that will come up to me during a blackout and "double-dog dare" me to stay sober and then hold me to it the next day. They will also keep all kinds of alcohol in the house and mix cocktails every evening. Again, skewed morals. I feel like this wouldn't have been a thing back home. Actually, I know it wouldn't. I'd prolly get made fun of for going to my meetings.

Day 18

I'm genuinely attempting to go sober. It's hard. All my friends drink. They try to be supportive, but in the meantime there's always beer in the fridge. I think about getting wasted at least a couple times a day. It really sucks. It doesn't even have to be a bad day. On good days, booze makes them better. On bad days, well, booze makes them better, too. I know I'm an awful drunk. Anyways, to get real support, I've joined an AA group. I love going. The people sit around and bitch about their lives, but they also share their accomplishments. And they're funny. Who'd have ever thought that alcoholics would be funny?! I relate to them so well. I'm perpetually stuck on step one in the program, but that's okay. I will never be open to spirituality. As long as I'm staying sober, I don't really think it matters.